What's Happening Below the Surface?

This week marks the 112th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. The ship they called “unsinkable” proved otherwise when she struck an iceberg in the North Atlantic on April 15, 1912. Among many other lessons, we learned that night that the lion’s share of an iceberg’s mass and force lies beneath the waterline: unseen, hidden, but very present. Much more is there than meets the eye. Indeed, less than twenty percent of an iceberg is visible above the ocean’s surface. The part you can’t see constitutes the real danger.

More Than Meets the Eye

That’s actually a great metaphor for relationships in distress. Couple conflict is always possible, but never pleasant. Most couples have familiar, predictable patterns for managing their distress. One partner might turn up their energy and try to “get through” to the other. They might get critical or assertive. They might press for answers or information in hopes of reconnecting. The other partner, perhaps feeling attacked or blamed, might pull away or shut down, hoping to keep the peace. The more one partner “pursues,” the more the other “withdraws.” The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. This self-sustaining cycle only perpetuates the disconnection. Each partner is convinced that the other is not there for them, perhaps doesn’t love them or doesn’t want to be with them. This cycle can go on almost indefinitely. It’s painful and many couples eventually lose hope and give up.


But, in cycles like that, just as with icebergs, much more is there than meets the eye. A great deal is happening beneath the surface—for each partner—that seldom gets spoken or acknowledged. Each partner has an inner experience that they likely don’t show (and may not even know) unless or until they slow down and look under the waterline.


Vulnerable and Valuable

Partners may see anger or indifference, rage or retreat on the surface in the heat of their conflict. But they may not realize that underneath are other powerful emotions: fear, sadness, shame and so on that they seldom recognize, much less verbalize. These are vulnerable emotions, not easy to show or share. They are vulnerable, but they are also valuable. Just like an iceberg, these “underneath” emotions are the force and power of any relationship conflict. They are also where couples heal. Unless or until couples get “under the waterline” with one another, they will struggle and likely never really connect deeply. 


But, deep connection is where relationships thrive. All humans seek a safe, lifelong emotional connection. We crave connection from cradle to coffin. We were born to bond.


Lessons of Attachment

These are lessons learned from decades of research in attachment science. This and much more is what you and your partner will get at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. You’ll learn to recognize and make sense of your conflict cycle. You will learn how good intentions often bring bad results when trying to manage that conflict. And you will learn what’s beneath your waterline and how to share it with your partner. 


Hold Me Tight®️ is two days of insight and interaction that can truly transform your relationship. Hold Me Tight®️ has given countless couples hope and confidence that they never knew they could find. So, whether you’ve been together for a few months or many years, whether you are truly struggling or you just want to make a good relationship better, Hold Me Tight®️ is for you. Give your connection the boost it truly needs. Get in on our next Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat in Florida. It’s just a few weeks away. Don’t miss out!


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Have a Safety Plan

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)

Help Is Nearby

By Mark Beck • January 17, 2025
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.

Comfort Isn't Always Comfortable

By Mark Beck • January 10, 2025
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
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Happy New Year

By Mark Beck • January 2, 2025
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When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .
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