What Makes Love Last?

What makes relationships last? Those couples in their twilight years, still together, still holding hands, still in love—we love to see those couples. And we’d love to be one of those couples. But, they are definitely a minority. Fewer than five percent of couples last fifty years. For that matter, only 40 percent make it 25 years. And, while longevity is definitely not proof of a happy couple, it’s still a good question: what does it take for love to last?

Three Ingredients

Renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman talk about three main areas that healthy couples have in common. First, they share an overall fondness and appreciation for one another. In short, they like each other. They are best friends. They speak much more positively than negatively (at least a 5:1 ratio, in fact). They see and say what they admire and enjoy in and with one another.


Second, they manage conflict well. The word is manage, not resolve or avoid. That is to say, conflict is inevitable (and can even be constructive). And Gottman contends that solving or resolving every conflict is neither necessary nor possible. Indeed, about two thirds of what couples disagree on—they’ll never agree on. These are matters of taste and preference, personality and opinion…what Gottman calls “perpetual problems.” So, the issue is not conflict; it’s how couples manage it. And the damage happens when conflict escalates and becomes hurtful and personal. Sadly, it often does. Couples who manage conflict well know how to maintain a dialogue rather than insisting on winning or getting their way. They can agree to disagree and can respect their partner’s different viewpoint. Thus, conflict seldom becomes combat.


And third, healthy long term couples have what Gottman calls a sense of “shared meaning.” That is, they value the uniqueness of their relationship. Every couple has its own culture that sets them apart, be it in their roles, their goals, their special ways of doing life. Healthy couples have a sense of direction, purpose and vision. “They know where they’re going in life” and they’re committed to the journey.


So, friendship and appreciation, managing conflict and a sense of shared meaning are Gottman’s Big Three for making love last. Within those are all the other classic skills: forgiveness, communication, trust, commitment, respect, intimacy.

Going Deeper

But, as important as all those truly are, something deeper lies beneath long term love. Without it, couples often sense that something important is still missing between them, although they can’t quite put a finger on it. There is a deeper level of emotion. It’s about fear, uncertainty, a longing for connection that many couples don’t know how to reach. They may not even know it’s there. Getting to it requires vulnerability and empathy. It requires the safety of knowing that your partner is there for you.


And that is where couples go in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ goes where other couples workshops don’t. Hold Me Tight®️ is a deep dive into what really makes love last for the long run. 


When I say, “Deep dive,” don’t panic; don’t click to another page. Hold Me Tight®️ is safe and simple. It isn’t therapy. No one gets put on the spot or confronted. Couples go at their own pace and learn the eye opening lessons of attachment. They learn what all couples need and seek for a lifetime of love, but too often just don’t know how to find. Hold Me Tight®️ is rooted in solid research and has the best results in the business. Couples consistently report that at Hold Me Tight®️, they learned to connect in ways they never knew how or knew that they could. They leave confident and capable that they can last.


Learn the Lessons of Love

Life has no guarantees (nor do couples retreats), but a Florida Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat can slant the playing field in your favor and greatly increase the chances for longevity in your love. Thousands of other couples have learned how at Hold Me Tight®️. Florida is beautiful in the springtime. Spend a couple of days with the one you love and give your relationship a gift that will last a lifetime. Our next workshop is just a few weeks away. 


Have a Safety Plan

Hiding in Plain Sight

By Mark Beck • October 7, 2025
On June 5, 2002, 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. Her captors, a mentally ill religious zealot and his wife, did not flee to another continent or a foreign country. Instead, they stayed right in Salt Lake City. They actually went out in public. They made Elizabeth wear a headscarf and a veil, but they visited stores, restaurants, the public library and so forth. Ultimately, after 8 months and a relentless nationwide search, authorities found her only 18 miles from where she was abducted. Elizabeth Smart’s abductors hid her in plain sight. Stories like that are more common than we think. It happens a lot that what we most want to find turns out to be right in front of us—hiding…or hidden…in plain sight right under our noses.

The No Shame Zone

By Mark Beck • September 29, 2025
I’ve been counseling couples and leading couples workshops for quite a few years now. Without a doubt, from my experience, Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshops are more powerful and bring faster real, lasting change than any other experience couples can share. Vicki and I lead them at least four times a year because we believe in Hold Me Tight®️ and we know what it can do. We’ve seen couples transform in just two short days. Something is especially powerful about being in a group with other couples on the same journey, sometimes feeling equally stuck or overwhelmed, struggling with the same frustrating patterns, emotions, wishes and mistakes. Couples can empathize, encourage and understand one another at Hold Me Tight®️. Realizing that we’re not alone (and not as messed up as we think) is uniquely comforting.

Time for an Update?

By Mark Beck • September 16, 2025
Like over 90% of Americans, I own a smartphone. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. My phone frequently notifies me of a software update. It’s pretty easy to update my phone, and even more important. But, why update the software? I asked Google and here’s what it told me: “Smartphone software updates are crucial for enhancing security by patching vulnerabilities, improving stability by fixing bugs and glitches, and optimizing performance for a smoother experience.” Sounds good to me. All I know is: updates matter. They keep my phone working well. They are as beneficial as they are necessary. But, it occurs to me that not just smartphones need updates. Smart relationships do too.

Connection is the Key

By Mark Beck • August 25, 2025
What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?

Prevention is Best

By Mark Beck • August 18, 2025
Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.
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