What Makes Love Last?

What makes relationships last? Those couples in their twilight years, still together, still holding hands, still in love—we love to see those couples. And we’d love to be one of those couples. But, they are definitely a minority. Fewer than five percent of couples last fifty years. For that matter, only 40 percent make it 25 years. And, while longevity is definitely not proof of a happy couple, it’s still a good question: what does it take for love to last?

Three Ingredients

Renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman talk about three main areas that healthy couples have in common. First, they share an overall fondness and appreciation for one another. In short, they like each other. They are best friends. They speak much more positively than negatively (at least a 5:1 ratio, in fact). They see and say what they admire and enjoy in and with one another.


Second, they manage conflict well. The word is manage, not resolve or avoid. That is to say, conflict is inevitable (and can even be constructive). And Gottman contends that solving or resolving every conflict is neither necessary nor possible. Indeed, about two thirds of what couples disagree on—they’ll never agree on. These are matters of taste and preference, personality and opinion…what Gottman calls “perpetual problems.” So, the issue is not conflict; it’s how couples manage it. And the damage happens when conflict escalates and becomes hurtful and personal. Sadly, it often does. Couples who manage conflict well know how to maintain a dialogue rather than insisting on winning or getting their way. They can agree to disagree and can respect their partner’s different viewpoint. Thus, conflict seldom becomes combat.


And third, healthy long term couples have what Gottman calls a sense of “shared meaning.” That is, they value the uniqueness of their relationship. Every couple has its own culture that sets them apart, be it in their roles, their goals, their special ways of doing life. Healthy couples have a sense of direction, purpose and vision. “They know where they’re going in life” and they’re committed to the journey.


So, friendship and appreciation, managing conflict and a sense of shared meaning are Gottman’s Big Three for making love last. Within those are all the other classic skills: forgiveness, communication, trust, commitment, respect, intimacy.

Going Deeper

But, as important as all those truly are, something deeper lies beneath long term love. Without it, couples often sense that something important is still missing between them, although they can’t quite put a finger on it. There is a deeper level of emotion. It’s about fear, uncertainty, a longing for connection that many couples don’t know how to reach. They may not even know it’s there. Getting to it requires vulnerability and empathy. It requires the safety of knowing that your partner is there for you.


And that is where couples go in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ goes where other couples workshops don’t. Hold Me Tight®️ is a deep dive into what really makes love last for the long run. 


When I say, “Deep dive,” don’t panic; don’t click to another page. Hold Me Tight®️ is safe and simple. It isn’t therapy. No one gets put on the spot or confronted. Couples go at their own pace and learn the eye opening lessons of attachment. They learn what all couples need and seek for a lifetime of love, but too often just don’t know how to find. Hold Me Tight®️ is rooted in solid research and has the best results in the business. Couples consistently report that at Hold Me Tight®️, they learned to connect in ways they never knew how or knew that they could. They leave confident and capable that they can last.


Learn the Lessons of Love

Life has no guarantees (nor do couples retreats), but a Florida Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat can slant the playing field in your favor and greatly increase the chances for longevity in your love. Thousands of other couples have learned how at Hold Me Tight®️. Florida is beautiful in the springtime. Spend a couple of days with the one you love and give your relationship a gift that will last a lifetime. Our next workshop is just a few weeks away. 


Have a Safety Plan

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)
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