Solution Focused Couples

In his book entitled “Do One Thing Different,” author Bill O’ Hanlon teaches solution focused skills that seem simple, but can be life changing. Solution focused skills work in all types of settings, especially marriage. To be solution focused is just what the term implies—it’s focusing on what works, not what doesn’t, focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses.

Two Solution Focused Rules

For example, two cardinal rules are always true.

First, you see what you look for. When a relationship is in trouble, partners overwhelmingly see the negative in the other. And, when you see negative, it’s hard to see anything else. If you believe your partner is selfish or uncaring, you will find evidence to prove your case—and NOTHING your partner does to the contrary will dissuade you. You see what you look for.

AND…the second truth then is: what you focus on, you magnify. The more faults and failures you find in your partner, the more prominent and pervasive they seem. Again, you miss anything otherwise. The bad drowns out anything good. And if you do see something good, you discount it. What you focus on, you magnify. This destructive pattern can do great damage and be very hard to break.

Change Your Viewing, Change Your Doing

Solution focused skills help you to change your “viewing,” then change your “doing.” To change your viewing is to change how you see your partner and your relationship. And, how you see a situation determines how you act in it. Changing your viewing will change your doing.

This is some of what we do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day group experience of learning and doing, all rooted in science and research, attachment science. Couples learn why and how they struggle. (And for the record, the problem is NOT your partner.) In the heat of the moment, conflict can be confusing and confounding. Battles seem to pop up with no warning and no brakes. They run away with us and leave us feeling alone, discouraged and seeing only the negative.

Make Sense of What Doesn’t

But, believe it or not, conflict need not be so confusing. It really does make sense. There is real logic to what happens when we focus on (and magnify) the negative in our relationship. And what we can understand, we can change.

Hold Me Tight®️ helps us change our viewing. We begin to see our relationship not as a lost cause and our partner not as an adversary, but as someone who wants and needs just what we do: safety and connection. It’s just that we often go about trying to get those things very differently.

And, once we see our relationship and our partner differently, we can change our doing. We can change our destructive patterns, whether we pursue our partner or pull away in the heat of the moment. We can learn instead to “turn toward” our partner, reassure and comfort rather than keep spinning around and around in chaos.

Hold Me Tight Gets It Done

Hold Me Tight®️ has some of the best results in the business. Couples routinely say they changed in just two days in ways they never thought they could. Whether your relationship is in real distress or you just want to make a good thing better, Hold Me Tight®️ is a great place to start. Our next workshop is just around the corner. Get in on it today!

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Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025

What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025

If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025

A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025

Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025

If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025

You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)

Help Is Nearby

By Mark Beck • January 17, 2025

I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.

Comfort Isn't Always Comfortable

By Mark Beck • January 10, 2025

Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great way to ring in the new year

Happy New Year

By Mark Beck • January 2, 2025

A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024

Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .