Here Come the Four Horsemen

Picture this pleasant scenario with your partner: you have a complaint. You’ve tried to overlook it, but you’re fed up. You’re irritated, so your complaint has a critical edge. “Why don’t you ever get home from work on time? You’re always late.”
Your partner, feeling unfairly blamed, is understandably defensive.
“I’m not always late. And why are you so negative?”
You might trade these attack/defend barbs for a while, neither feeling heard. But, then someone raises the bar and things get hotter.
“You’re so self-centered. Why in the world did I marry someone so thoughtless?”
“Me self-centered? That’s insane! You are disgusting!”
Now, the gloves are off. You’ve escalated and things have gotten personal…you’re going for the jugular. This is intense and painful and will likely last until someone taps out. 
“That’s it; I’m done! I’m out of here.” One of you shuts down and becomes a stone wall. The conversation stops, but not the conflict. 
Maybe for an hour or a day, or longer (I’ve seen it last for years) it’s a Cold War, or at least an uneasy truce. 
Slowly, the smoke clears and eventually things get back to a kind of normal—until the next explosion. 
And the more it happens, the further apart you and your partner become, to harder it is to reconnect and the more desperate your love feels.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

We’ve All Been There

You’ve been stampeded by what John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling). It’s a familiar and troubling pattern for countless couples in conflict. Gottman has discovered in his decades of research that the Four Horsemen will eventually destroy any relationship if couples don’t corral them.

Strange as it sounds, conflict management is key to any happy relationship. Conflict happens—and, strangely enough, conflict is not a sign of trouble. Rather, how we manage it tells the tale.

Couples who can’t learn to change the conversation, go deeper and understand what’s really going on when they spark are in for a rough ride. And, given the divorce statistics we’ve all heard, many, many couples need more help than they get.


You Can Change the Conversation

That’s why Vicki Kennedy and I do what we do. We’re both couples therapists and, for more than five years now, we’ve been leading Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats near Orlando FL. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day experience for couples that helps them makes sense of what so often doesn’t. It’s rooted in attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, generally considered the gold standard for couples care.

Conflict is not just scary in a relationship; it’s confounding. Why and how do we get so stuck in these endless cycles? Why do we get so wound up? And why does it seem that no one else impacts us like our partner, the one we love more than anyone else?

A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat helps couples slow down, corral the Four Horsemen and begin to make sense of those raging cycles. And making sense of it is the best place to start. What we can understand, we can manage and change.

Take Charge of Your Relationship

Wouldn’t you love to understand your cycle—and know how to interrupt it? Wouldn’t it be great, even in the heat of the moment, to turn toward your partner rather than turning away (or worse, turning against)?

Hold Me Tight®️ will show you how. In two days together, you and your partner can come to understand your moves in this dance of love. And even better, you can learn new moves. You can bring the Four Horsemen to heel and have a different kind of conversation…a conversation instead of a confrontation…a conversation that heals and comforts your heart.

A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is not therapy. It’s a low key, two day experience with other couples facing the same challenges and seeking the same connection as you and your partner. Learn how much you and others have in common. You will get to practice new conversations in real time…conversations for connection. You go at your own pace. No one is put on the spot. We don’t twist arms. We don’t push you; we point you toward deeper, closer connection, which is what we all really want. You will leave with a road map for closeness that you never you could have…never knew how to have.

Time for a Change

You and your partner really can get there. Get in on it today. Our next Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is in April. Join us in sunny Florida in the Spring and give your love a boost.




Have a Safety Plan

Hiding in Plain Sight

By Mark Beck • October 7, 2025
On June 5, 2002, 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. Her captors, a mentally ill religious zealot and his wife, did not flee to another continent or a foreign country. Instead, they stayed right in Salt Lake City. They actually went out in public. They made Elizabeth wear a headscarf and a veil, but they visited stores, restaurants, the public library and so forth. Ultimately, after 8 months and a relentless nationwide search, authorities found her only 18 miles from where she was abducted. Elizabeth Smart’s abductors hid her in plain sight. Stories like that are more common than we think. It happens a lot that what we most want to find turns out to be right in front of us—hiding…or hidden…in plain sight right under our noses.

The No Shame Zone

By Mark Beck • September 29, 2025
I’ve been counseling couples and leading couples workshops for quite a few years now. Without a doubt, from my experience, Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshops are more powerful and bring faster real, lasting change than any other experience couples can share. Vicki and I lead them at least four times a year because we believe in Hold Me Tight®️ and we know what it can do. We’ve seen couples transform in just two short days. Something is especially powerful about being in a group with other couples on the same journey, sometimes feeling equally stuck or overwhelmed, struggling with the same frustrating patterns, emotions, wishes and mistakes. Couples can empathize, encourage and understand one another at Hold Me Tight®️. Realizing that we’re not alone (and not as messed up as we think) is uniquely comforting.

Time for an Update?

By Mark Beck • September 16, 2025
Like over 90% of Americans, I own a smartphone. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. My phone frequently notifies me of a software update. It’s pretty easy to update my phone, and even more important. But, why update the software? I asked Google and here’s what it told me: “Smartphone software updates are crucial for enhancing security by patching vulnerabilities, improving stability by fixing bugs and glitches, and optimizing performance for a smoother experience.” Sounds good to me. All I know is: updates matter. They keep my phone working well. They are as beneficial as they are necessary. But, it occurs to me that not just smartphones need updates. Smart relationships do too.

Connection is the Key

By Mark Beck • August 25, 2025
What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?

Prevention is Best

By Mark Beck • August 18, 2025
Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.
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