What Do We Do With Conflict?

What is a sign of trouble in a relationship? Lots of people might say conflict is a red flag. But that’s not necessarily so. Conflict is fairly inevitable. No two people can agree on everything all the time. Indeed, who would want to? Conflict isn’t the problem. It’s conflict that escalates. It’s conflict that becomes combat, conversations that become confrontations. Now, THAT spells trouble.
The renowned relationship researcher John Gottman discovered that roughly two thirds of what couples disagree on…they’ll never agree on. Matters of taste, opinion, personality, preference are what he calls “perpetual problems.” And couples can be perfectly happy “agreeing to disagree.” In fact, Gottman says that the goal with these issues is not to win the argument or get your way. Life is not always a zero sum game. The goal is to maintain a dialogue. Keep the conversation going where you listen, not to win; you listen to learn. Couples who can respect their partner’s different viewpoint can actually enrich each other, even as they disagree.
But, what about conflict where someone feels hurt, unheard, unimportant, unwanted? What about when a transgression has occurred? That’s a different type of conflict, but every couple has faced it. This is more often where and when conversations become confrontations and conflict becomes combat. This is where conflict often escalates.

It’s Not About Chores

Small skirmishes over who does which chores when, who spent how much on what and how often sex happens can become major standoffs and real offenses. 

And most couples have familiar, predictable (albeit unproductive) patterns for managing these problems. In fact, what you argue about almost doesn’t matter. You could replace one topic with any other and the conversations go surprisingly the same—and usually downhill! That’s because, in fact, it’s not about the topic. It’s not about money or sex or chores or in-laws. Those are window dressing. The conflict is about something deeper: deeper needs, deeper fears. At the end of the day, it’s about what we call “attachment:” attachment fears, attachment needs.


More Than Meets the Eye

And that is what we teach and learn—that and much more—at our Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats in Florida. We learn that, when it comes to conflict, often, much more is going on than meets the eye, much more than what appears on the surface. 

We learn from the fascinating science of attachment that all humans seek and need a safe connection, the comfort and confidence of a partner who sees us and values us and supports and believes in us. If that isn’t happening, even minor slights become major fights. It’s scary and discouraging and many couples give up and throw in the towel for lack of knowing what else to do. 


Safe Connection is the Key

But, when we know that our partner is there for us in all those important ways, our relationship is sound and strong. We see and say the best in one another. We want the best for one another. Disagreements are less threatening and solutions have a way of coming to themselves. 

Imagine a relationship where you don’t hide from conflict, where conversations don’t become confrontations. Imagine that you could actually manage hurts or disagreements and be closer afterward. 

Man, you’d be bulletproof! 


You CAN Get There!

I promise, it’s not a pipe dream. Healthy attachment is how you do it. It’s the hidden key to managing conflict. Hold Me Tight®️ will give you a road map to get there. And with that map, tough things get easier. You can find hope when things get hard. Problems become manageable. Hurts can heal. 

That sounds like a lot of ground to cover in just two days at a Hold Me Tight®️ retreat. But, don’t take my word for it. Come to sunny Florida in April and see for yourself. Learn to have the conversations you didn’t know how to have…didn’t know you could have and find the connection you’ve always wanted with the one you love.



Have a Safety Plan

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)

Help Is Nearby

By Mark Beck • January 17, 2025
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.

Comfort Isn't Always Comfortable

By Mark Beck • January 10, 2025
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great way to ring in the new year

Happy New Year

By Mark Beck • January 2, 2025
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .
More Posts