The Oil in the Engine

A healthy relationship is like a fine tuned machine. It has many moving parts and it’s a marvel. But, like oil in an engine, one thing makes a relationship run smoothly. It’s a special skill that healthy couples use every day. Without it, things eventually grind to a halt. The word is empathy.

Empathy is Key

Empathy keeps your relationship humming. It reduces wear and tear and keeps friction at a minimum. Empathy is absolutely crucial. You can learn every relationship skill, strategy and secret, you can be an expert, a verbal ninja, but without empathy, none of it will work. 


Though powerful, empathy is really very simple. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in your partner's shoes. It's seeing things from your partner's perspective. Empathy isn’t about agreeing or giving in. Indeed, agreement is highly overrated. With empathy, if necessary, you can "agree to disagree." You can accept and respect your partner. When you do that (and when your partner does it for you) you both “let each other in.” Empathy creates safety and nothing good happens until partners feel safe with one another.

Simple, but not Easy

Empathy is simple, but not always easy. It’s an exercise in vulnerability. It requires you to lay down your arms and stand beside your partner, not against them. It involves learning what you didn’t know or seeing what you might have missed. You may find that your partner has a valid point as well. But, again, who’s right or wrong is not the point. It’s about understanding. And we’ve learned that people calm down when they feel understood, when they feel heard…when they “feel felt.” Intractable problems aren’t so intractable with empathy.


So, try it. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine what life is like for him or her. What would you see or do differently if you tried your partner's point of view? What would it be like to be your spouse? What would you have to tolerate or endure? Would you want to be married to you? Try a little empathy. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Imagine how your perspective (and your relationship) might change.

Empathy and Hold Me Tight®️

Empathy is just one of the skills we learn and practice at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples weekend retreat in Orlando. A Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is a great place for couples to connect deeply and learn the power of empathy and vulnerability. In just two days, couples can break patterns of conflict and discord that may have lasted for years. They can learn to have conversations, not confrontations. You and your partner can create that safe space between you that all couples crave.


Hold Me Tight®️ is rooted in attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy. But Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a low key, fun group experience where you’ll meet other couples like you. You go at your own pace. No one is put on the spot. And you will leave with a road map for connection that can change your relationship for good. It’s amazing what two transformational days can do.


Check out all the details at www.couplesworkshopsofflorida.com. Our next retreat is August 9 & 10. Don’t wait. Get in on Hold Me Tight®️today!


Learn more about Mark and Vicki

Join our contact list

Prepare for a transformational experience

Have a Safety Plan

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)
More Posts