What are the signs of a healthy relationship?

In last week’s blog, we talked about relationship warning signs, things to catch before our relationship breaks down. It’s important to know what to look for and correct. But, beyond what you might try to prevent, what do you want your relationship to be? What are you aiming for as a couple? What does a healthy connection look like? Let’s talk about “proof of life” in your relationship.

No two couples are the same, but all steady, sturdy couples have some things in common. Let’s make a short list. Several of the following points are courtesy of Dr. John Gottman and his research.

Friendship and Appreciation

First and foremost, go figure, healthy couples like one another. They are best friends. They share an abiding fondness and appreciation for one another. Great couples fall in like before they fall in love. They enjoy being around each other. Mind you, they aren’t “joined at the hip.” They don’t need to be with each other all day or every day. But they are one another’s biggest fan. They see and say the good in each other. They encourage and build one another up. Gratitude, courtesy, kind words and deeds, admiration, going the extra mile for each other: these are all evidence of friendship and appreciation that make love last. 

Managing Conflict

Healthy couples also know how to manage their conflict—key word: manage. I didn’t say they resolve their conflict. They manage it. That’s because conflict is inevitable and some conflict is unresolvable. John Gottman posits that two thirds of the issues over which couples disagree are what he calls “perpetual problems.” They are matters of taste and opinion, personality and preference…issues on which couples may never agree and don’t have to. 


Healthy couples don’t need to resolve every disagreement. Instead, they can respect their differences and maintain a dialogue. They don’t attack. They don’t belittle. They don’t have to win. They can compromise or just agree to disagree. They are willing to hear each other’s point of view and give it credence. Both feel heard, even—especially—when they disagree or don’t get their way.

Healing and Forgiveness

The positivity that comes from friendship and appreciation and from managing conflict well lays the groundwork for healing and forgiveness when one partner hurts the other. I said “when,” not “if.” It’s inevitable. Forgiveness is a crucial skill, even if it isn’t needed often. Healthy couples work hard to heal hurts and do not let them fester. 

Intimacy

Thus, healthy couples value their intimacy and place a high priority on it. And, for the record, intimacy is far more than sex. Sex certainly has its place in a healthy relationship. But, intimacy is much more than that. It’s vulnerability and empathy. It’s deep trust and connection. It’s letting your partner in, sharing fears, uncertainties, needs and longings. 


Yes, that stuff is risky. But, hey, love is a risk. And, no risk, no reward.


So, there is a short list of what love looks like. It’s friendship and appreciation. It’s managing conflict with respect and compassion. It’s forgiveness when we hurt the one we love. It’s intimacy, vulnerability, empathy, opening up and stepping up for each other. These are the foundation for trust and commitment that can last a lifetime. They are “proof of life” in a thriving relationship. 

Hold Me Tight Can Help

And nobody said these things come easily. Indeed, all couples need a little help now and then. There’s no shame in that. And a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat is a great place to get that help. Hold Me Tight®️ is a chance to learn the lessons of love that attachment science has taught us…and learn with other couples in the same boat. Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a hands on experience where each couple goes (and grows) at their own pace: no pressure, no one is put on the spot. It’s safe, low key and just might change your relationship forever. 


Come to beautiful Orlando, FL and see what Hold Me Tight®️ can do for you! Our next couples retreat is just a few weeks away. All the details are at www.couplesworkshopsofflorida.com.


Have a Safety Plan

Hiding in Plain Sight

By Mark Beck • October 7, 2025
On June 5, 2002, 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. Her captors, a mentally ill religious zealot and his wife, did not flee to another continent or a foreign country. Instead, they stayed right in Salt Lake City. They actually went out in public. They made Elizabeth wear a headscarf and a veil, but they visited stores, restaurants, the public library and so forth. Ultimately, after 8 months and a relentless nationwide search, authorities found her only 18 miles from where she was abducted. Elizabeth Smart’s abductors hid her in plain sight. Stories like that are more common than we think. It happens a lot that what we most want to find turns out to be right in front of us—hiding…or hidden…in plain sight right under our noses.

The No Shame Zone

By Mark Beck • September 29, 2025
I’ve been counseling couples and leading couples workshops for quite a few years now. Without a doubt, from my experience, Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshops are more powerful and bring faster real, lasting change than any other experience couples can share. Vicki and I lead them at least four times a year because we believe in Hold Me Tight®️ and we know what it can do. We’ve seen couples transform in just two short days. Something is especially powerful about being in a group with other couples on the same journey, sometimes feeling equally stuck or overwhelmed, struggling with the same frustrating patterns, emotions, wishes and mistakes. Couples can empathize, encourage and understand one another at Hold Me Tight®️. Realizing that we’re not alone (and not as messed up as we think) is uniquely comforting.

Time for an Update?

By Mark Beck • September 16, 2025
Like over 90% of Americans, I own a smartphone. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. My phone frequently notifies me of a software update. It’s pretty easy to update my phone, and even more important. But, why update the software? I asked Google and here’s what it told me: “Smartphone software updates are crucial for enhancing security by patching vulnerabilities, improving stability by fixing bugs and glitches, and optimizing performance for a smoother experience.” Sounds good to me. All I know is: updates matter. They keep my phone working well. They are as beneficial as they are necessary. But, it occurs to me that not just smartphones need updates. Smart relationships do too.

Connection is the Key

By Mark Beck • August 25, 2025
What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?

Prevention is Best

By Mark Beck • August 18, 2025
Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.
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