What are the signs of a healthy relationship?

In last week’s blog, we talked about relationship warning signs, things to catch before our relationship breaks down. It’s important to know what to look for and correct. But, beyond what you might try to prevent, what do you want your relationship to be? What are you aiming for as a couple? What does a healthy connection look like? Let’s talk about “proof of life” in your relationship.

No two couples are the same, but all steady, sturdy couples have some things in common. Let’s make a short list. Several of the following points are courtesy of Dr. John Gottman and his research.

Friendship and Appreciation

First and foremost, go figure, healthy couples like one another. They are best friends. They share an abiding fondness and appreciation for one another. Great couples fall in like before they fall in love. They enjoy being around each other. Mind you, they aren’t “joined at the hip.” They don’t need to be with each other all day or every day. But they are one another’s biggest fan. They see and say the good in each other. They encourage and build one another up. Gratitude, courtesy, kind words and deeds, admiration, going the extra mile for each other: these are all evidence of friendship and appreciation that make love last. 

Managing Conflict

Healthy couples also know how to manage their conflict—key word: manage. I didn’t say they resolve their conflict. They manage it. That’s because conflict is inevitable and some conflict is unresolvable. John Gottman posits that two thirds of the issues over which couples disagree are what he calls “perpetual problems.” They are matters of taste and opinion, personality and preference…issues on which couples may never agree and don’t have to. 


Healthy couples don’t need to resolve every disagreement. Instead, they can respect their differences and maintain a dialogue. They don’t attack. They don’t belittle. They don’t have to win. They can compromise or just agree to disagree. They are willing to hear each other’s point of view and give it credence. Both feel heard, even—especially—when they disagree or don’t get their way.

Healing and Forgiveness

The positivity that comes from friendship and appreciation and from managing conflict well lays the groundwork for healing and forgiveness when one partner hurts the other. I said “when,” not “if.” It’s inevitable. Forgiveness is a crucial skill, even if it isn’t needed often. Healthy couples work hard to heal hurts and do not let them fester. 

Intimacy

Thus, healthy couples value their intimacy and place a high priority on it. And, for the record, intimacy is far more than sex. Sex certainly has its place in a healthy relationship. But, intimacy is much more than that. It’s vulnerability and empathy. It’s deep trust and connection. It’s letting your partner in, sharing fears, uncertainties, needs and longings. 


Yes, that stuff is risky. But, hey, love is a risk. And, no risk, no reward.


So, there is a short list of what love looks like. It’s friendship and appreciation. It’s managing conflict with respect and compassion. It’s forgiveness when we hurt the one we love. It’s intimacy, vulnerability, empathy, opening up and stepping up for each other. These are the foundation for trust and commitment that can last a lifetime. They are “proof of life” in a thriving relationship. 

Hold Me Tight Can Help

And nobody said these things come easily. Indeed, all couples need a little help now and then. There’s no shame in that. And a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat is a great place to get that help. Hold Me Tight®️ is a chance to learn the lessons of love that attachment science has taught us…and learn with other couples in the same boat. Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a hands on experience where each couple goes (and grows) at their own pace: no pressure, no one is put on the spot. It’s safe, low key and just might change your relationship forever. 


Come to beautiful Orlando, FL and see what Hold Me Tight®️ can do for you! Our next couples retreat is just a few weeks away. All the details are at www.couplesworkshopsofflorida.com.


Have a Safety Plan

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)

Help Is Nearby

By Mark Beck • January 17, 2025
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.

Comfort Isn't Always Comfortable

By Mark Beck • January 10, 2025
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great way to ring in the new year

Happy New Year

By Mark Beck • January 2, 2025
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution

When You Hit Turbulence

By Mark Beck • December 16, 2024
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .
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