Finding Happiness

Dr. Martin Seligman is considered the father of “Positive Psychology,” the fascinating study of what makes people happy and whole (over against traditional psychology, which has focused by and large on dysfunction, disorders and the many ways people struggle). Seligman says there are different types of happiness. For example, the simplest is pleasure seeking. We all like to feel good: physically, emotionally. Whether it’s sex, good music, food or fun, pleasures help us relax and enjoy the moments.  

And while these “cotton candy” experiences are pleasant, they aren’t enough. Cotton candy is good, but it doesn’t last and it doesn’t fill you up. Sadly, this is where many of us live: chasing pleasure, fun, feeling good…from one carnival ride to the next, never knowing there’s more to life.

More Than Pleasure Seeking

There is a deeper kind of happiness. It’s less about pleasure and more about fulfillment, less about feeling good and more about feeling satisfied, satisfied because you’ve devoted yourself to a goal and attained it. You’ve sacrificed and delayed the pleasure of the moment for what you must earn with time and hard work. This kind of happiness might even involve pain for a time enroute to a greater good.


If you’ve ever run a 5K or climbed a mountain (and mountains come in all shapes and sizes), you know what I’m talking about. If you’ve ever earned a degree or taken a second job to pay for your kids’ education, you don’t do those things because getting up early and staying late is fun or feels good. You do them because persistence pays and real success is less about winning and more about staying, overcoming and doing the hard thing because it pays off. Only those who pay that price feel the ecstasy and exhilaration of crossing the finish line and knowing that it was not easy, but it was worth it.


Happiness That's Worth the Work

This happiness lasts beyond the mere moment. It gives life deeper meaning. 


I see this all the time in committed relationships like marriage. Too many couples are stuck in pleasure seeking, emotional thrill seeking, thinking they should always be infatuated and “head over heels” with one another. These “cotton candy couples” sooner rather than later get bored with one another and decide that they’ve “lost that loving feeling.” And many simply believe that they must not be right for one another. They decide that they made a mistake, they aren't a good fit. Then, they make another mistake and, rather than calling a therapist, they call a lawyer. 


Love Isn't Always Easy

Most couples know that love isn’t always easy. But, too many tap out when it gets hard and never learn that the far deeper reward in love comes through the struggle, the pulling (pulling together, not against) for the same goals: connection, closeness, harmony and wholeness. Sometimes, it’s very hard. Sometimes, it’s painful. But, for most couples who stick with it, at the end of the day, it wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.


Maybe your relationship is struggling; maybe it’s hard work. The climb is steep; you are exhausted and it’s neither fun nor pleasant. Don’t throw in the towel. Remember that today is not forever. Often, success over failure just lies in not quitting. Real reward awaits those who stay, who persist, who put in the long run work that pays off in time.

Good Help Makes a Difference

And good help can make the climb easier. A Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat can be that help. In two days together with other couples, you can begin to understand your relationship like never before. You can learn how you conflict and why. You can learn what lies beneath the cycles of discord and disconnection. You can learn what each of you needs and deeply desires in your heart—and how to give it. 


The best relationships are not those that never struggle. They are the ones who stay, even when they struggle and make it safely to the top. 


Commit to the climb. Come join others on the same journey at our next Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat in Orlando. Make your plans for August now. You’ll be glad you did.


Have a Safety Plan

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.

Love Is a Team Sport

By Mark Beck • January 29, 2025
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.

Relationship Rescue

By Mark Beck • January 24, 2025
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)
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