Getting Help Makes Good Sense
Last night, in the kitchen, I opened the cabinet under the sink to find everything wet. A water line had sprung a slow drip, drip, drip leak and I had a mess on my hands. Now, I can do simple repairs around the house. I repaired our toilet yesterday. I installed a ceiling fan recently. But, plumbing is above my pay grade.
So, I had three options. First, I could ignore the problem. It was a slow leak. I could just put a bucket under it and empty it every few days, or just keep wiping up the puddle. Maybe, magically, it would just fix itself. Not likely…and the problem would certainly, eventually get worse.
Second, I could try to fix it myself. I considered that for maybe a half a second. Bad idea. As I said, plumbing is not my specialty. I know just enough about faucets and pipes to be dangerous. That leaky pipe is corroded. One wrong move and the minor leak could become a minor flood. A great movie line says, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” Plumbing is one of mine. Fixing the leak myself is not an option.
My third option then is the best, and really the only reasonable one: call a plumber. A plumber has forgotten more than I’ll ever know about leaky pipes. Their experience and expertise will keep a small problem small. What would be insurmountable for me is a quick fix for a trained plumber.
So, as I write this, I’m waiting for the plumber. That is, in fact, what most people would do. It makes sense, whether it’s plumbing, auto mechanics, lawn care, even medical care. Most people are smart enough to get skilled help for things they’re not equipped or experienced to do themselves.
So, if that is common practice for most people, why then, why is that not the case when it comes to relationships?
Why do so many couples struggle with conflict, disconnection, hurt or betrayal and insist on either ignoring the problem as it only gets worse, or trying to fix it on their own?
Relationship problems ignored only get more entrenched and intractable. They seldom, if ever, fix themselves. And trying to fix those problems on our own often only makes matters worse. For too many couples, the thought of getting help is proof that they’ve failed or they’re foolish. So they labor on alone, embarrassed to reach out and slowly losing hope.
Trust me, the only failure is in knowing that help is out there but not getting it.
And help is indeed out there. Hold Me Tight®️ is reliable, time tested, solid help for any relationship, whether you’re in deep distress or you just want to make a good relationship better. A Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat can simplify complex problems and patterns and help you make sense of what often makes no sense when you and your partner conflict. At Hold Me Tight®️, you’ll learn from experienced professionals who have helped hundreds of other couples tackle issues that all couples face. You don’t have to fix it on your own anymore.
Don’t ignore messy relationship problems that will only get worse. And don’t struggle along trying to fix them on your own. If you keep doing what you’ve done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve gotten. That’s why many couples throw in the towel, all for lack of help that is as close as this website!
Our next Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat is August 9 & 10. Help is at your fingertips. Be smart. Sign up today!
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Have a Safety Plan
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .