Changing the Conversation
Human beings are creatures of habit. We tend to repeat familiar patterns. It conserves mental energy, which is what our brains are built to do. But, familiar is not necessarily best. For example, have you noticed that you and your partner tend to have the same, familiar arguments? No matter the topic, we tend to conflict in the same patterns. Very often, one partner speaks up—or pursues the matter, trying to get it resolved. The other withdraws—or tries to avoid or minimize it to keep the peace. No matter the topic, it’s usually the same pattern. We’re used to it. It’s familiar. We gravitate toward familiar. But not only does it seldom work; it usually leads to greater conflict.
Stuck in Negative Patterns
Yet, couples often stay stuck in these patterns, not knowing how to change it; they keep doing the same thing. “Once more with feeling.” “If I just say it louder or longer, maybe he (or she) will finally hear me.” Or, “If I just don’t argue, maybe he (or she) will lay down their arms and we can have peace.”
But that seldom happens. The conversations only become confrontations and the list of “no talk” topics grows. So does the distance between partners. It may indeed be the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Conflict Is Not the Problem
It doesn’t have to be that way. Conflict is not pleasant, but it is inevitable. No couple agrees on everything—and they wouldn’t want to! And conflict is not the problem. It’s conflict that escalates and becomes toxic. So, it’s not conflict, it’s how we manage it. It’s the patterns we fall into, patterns with good intentions (we want to connect, to resolve problems) but bad results (we only end up distant and disconnected).
So, if A + B = C and you don’t like C, you have to change A or B. If conversations only become confrontations, it’s time to change the conversations.
Change the Conversation
How do we do that? How can we slant the playing field in your favor for you and your partner? Here are a few simple moves that can make a big difference.
- Start gently. The first 30 seconds of a conversation set the tone. How you start is crucial. If you start with irritation or anger, chances are, you’ll soon be in an argument. Start gently. Put your partner at ease. “Let’s work on a solution to something that’s been on my mind.” Find something to affirm or appreciate about your relationship. Starting positively can make a world of difference.
- Avoid blame. Avoid criticism. Avoid fault finding that often comes with global language: “Why do you always…?” or “You never….” Blame is a kind of attack and almost always puts your partner on the defensive. When the attack/defend dance starts, it’s very hard to stop and it never goes well. That doesn’t mean you can’t have complaints. The trick is to complain without blame. And how do you do that?
- Try sticking to your experience, not your opinion. It’s one thing to say, “I miss our time together.” It’s quite another to say, “You never spend any time with me.” One tells your experience. The other is an attack…blame…that will likely get pushback and off you go on another argument.
- Focus on what you want, not what you dislike. In every complaint, there is a wish, a desire that you can state clearly. Rather than as above, “You never spend any time with me,” try, “I’d like for us to go out Friday or Saturday night. I’d love to be with you.”
- And last (for now), use “we” language. “We are in a funk. I don’t like the arguments that we get stuck in. I hope we can change it.” That’s infinitely better than pointing out your partner's wrong moves. Patterns, good or bad require both partners. Both partners start them and both can change them. So, use we language to team up.
Dr. John Gottman says that in every argument, there is a conversation the couple could have had, should have had that could bring them closer. The trick is to change the conversation.
Hold Me Tight Can Help!
These are some of what we learn together in our Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreats in Orlando. Hold Me Tight®️ is two days together with other couples learning how to change the conversations that matter. We learn from one another. We also learn from the years of research and results surrounding Emotionally Focused Therapy. The workshop is not therapy; it’s helping you and your partner break patterns that don’t work and only lead to worse. Whether your relationship is truly struggling or you just want to go from good to great, Hold Me Tight®️ is a great place to start.
Our next retreat is in August. But the time to get in on it is now. All the details are on this website. Come join us in Orlando.
- Learn more about Mark & Vicki
- Sign up for our Contact List
- Prepare for a transformational experience!
Have a Safety Plan
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.
If you’re a sports fan (specifically, football) this is your favorite time of year. The NFL playoffs showcase the best of the best and even for the non-fanatics out there, some important truths are evident. Football, like many other sports, is a team game. For sure, individual superstars shine, but only because those around them pull together for a common goal. The best teams operate as one. Eleven players, all on the same page: focused, supportive, picking each other up, pursuing the same goal. When they do, they become more than the sum of their parts…highly efficient. They minimize mistakes and overcome them when they happen. When adversity hits, lesser teams slip into fault finding, sniping and looking out for number one. In any sport, if teammates ever become opponents, they can’t win. It’s game over.
You might remember the cruise ship Costa Concordia that foundered off the coast of Italy in 2012 after her captain carelessly steered her too close to shore. Rocks tore a 175 foot gash in her hull and the ship listed severely to her starboard side, taking on water and running aground. Ultimately, 32 people died and the recovery cost about $2 billion. Perhaps the greatest blunder though, was that the captain waited over an hour to give the order to abandon ship. For such negligence, he was ultimately convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 15 years. Indeed, he left the ship with 300 passengers still on board! (He said he “fell” into a lifeboat as it was being lowered.)
I had a close call today. I was almost duped by a very slick hacker. He posed as a security guy from PayPal and I nearly gave him remote access to my computer. (I know, that sounds pretty stupid on my part.) Fortunately for me, when things smelled fishy, I tapped out before any real damage was done. But, I didn’t know what to do from there. I unplugged my PC and called an expert. He knew just what to do and he got me up and running in no time. What a relief! It cost me a few bucks, but most likely saved me a lot more. Computers are a necessary evil in my life. I can’t even imagine managing my home or my business without one. But, they can sure be troublesome. And a cyber wizard, I am not. That’s my problem. I know just enough to be dangerous. It sure eases my mind that help is available when I need it. Because some things I can’t fix. That doesn’t make me stupid…it’s just not my expertise.
Intimate relationships are never easy and too many don’t survive. Courtrooms and counselors’ offices are full of couples who didn’t set out to destroy their love; it just looks as if they did. Maybe you’re one of those couples…trying to figure out how you went from newlywed to nearly dead...and you never saw it coming...or you did and you didn't know how to stop it.
A Hold Me Tight couples retreat in Orlando is a great new years resolution
Now and then, I travel by air. I enjoy it, for the most part. But, on one trip, seemingly out of nowhere, the plane hit heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the cabin was shuttering and shaking. I looked outside; the wings were visibly bouncing up and down as the plane lurched and pitched. I tried to hide my fear, but (pardon the pun) it really shook me up. My stomach tightened; my breathing got shallow. I couldn’t think straight. Having such little experience with something like that, I feared we would crash. But, then, I noticed the flight attendants. They were cool as the backside of a pillow…no panic or alarm. I wondered how they could be so calm. Soon the pilot came over the intercom and in a steady, measured voice, explained that turbulence is normal, the plane was built for much, much worse and it would all subside in a few moments. The crew had been through this many times. They understood what was happening and what to do. I was so glad that somebody did! Their calm was contagious. Gradually, I was able to relax and realized that it wasn’t the crisis I had feared it was. That was a game changer. I got through it and now, turbulence isn’t the problem it used to be for me when I fly. It still happens, but I know what it’s about when it does and that gets me through. .