We Just Can't Communicate
As a couples therapist, I often see couples at their worst. After all, you don’t go to therapy to talk about how great your relationship is. I’ve heard the whole gamut of complaints. But, more than anything else, couples come to me saying that they just “can’t communicate.” If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, I could retire rich—tomorrow.
But, what does that mean…“We can’t communicate”? I’ve found that most of the time, couples communicate very well. In fact, most communication happens before the words ever get spoken. A look, a facial expression, body language, a tone of voice will convey in no uncertain terms what’s about to be spoken. That’s excellent communication: a whole conversation before a word leaves your lips!
More often than not, it isn’t that we don’t communicate; it’s that what we communicate hurts or falls short. We don’t know how to connect and conversations become confrontations. Couples turn against or turn away from each other instead of turning toward. So, it’s not poor communication; it’s poor connection.
Disconnection is like a dance. Each partner follows the other’s lead. One makes a snide remark or a criticism. The other gets defensive or goes silent. As the tension rises, things escalate. One turns the heat up; the other turns it down, but both trigger the other. Eventually it becomes combat or Cold War. Neither feels heard, much less loved or cared for. And when it’s over, the distance is painful and it feels like a never ending cycle.
Make no mistake, that couple is communicating. They’re just sending bad messages.
What is the solution? What do couples need in that painful place? It’s not negotiating skills. It’s not rules for “fair fighting.” That’s because most couples miss what is really going on. Beneath all that miscommunication, the angry words and hurt feelings is a lack of safety, a sense that your partner isn’t there for you. That’s our greatest pain when love hurts.
What if you and your partner could get to the bottom of all that? What if you could make sense of what so often makes no sense and do something different? What if you could make your relationship the safe place we all want it to be?
You can. That’s what a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat is all about. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day couples experience rooted in decades of research and solid attachment science. Couples the world over have learned not just to understand, but to interrupt seemingly endless cycles of conflict and disconnection, to team up and create closeness and connection like never before. You’ll be amazed at how far two days can take you.
Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy; it’s fun, low key and informal. No pressure. Couples go at their own pace. You’ll learn and practice the skills that make for close, safe connection. You’ll discover how much you have in common with other couples. Our next workshop is Friday and Saturday, November 13 & 14 in Winter Park, FL (just outside Orlando). All the details are on our home page. A better relationship can happen in just two days. Come and see for yourself this November!
Have a Safety Plan
Moments that Matter
Strengthening the Foundation: Building Connection at a Hold Me Tight®️ Couples Retreat
I’ve been seeing a chiropractor for years now. At first, I went whenever I twisted or tweaked my back and was in pain. Fortunately, I never needed surgery and, in just a few sessions, the doctor straightened me out (no pun intended). I appreciated pain relief without narcotics. Chiropractic care has been great for me. But, over time, I learned the value of regular adjustments. Now, I see my chiropractor roughly every two weeks, whether I’m in pain or not. That way, I stay in good alignment, instead of waiting for something to go wrong. And it’s been a long time since something has gone wrong. It just proves the old saying that it’s better to prevent a problem than to fix it. And regular adjustments seem to prevent bigger problems for me. As a couples therapist, I see the value of preventive treatment in relationships too. While it’s true that I often see couples in severe pain who need urgent care, relationships can benefit immensely from regular adjustments when nothing is severely wrong—just to keep things “in alignment.” And right there is perhaps where a Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshop is most valuable. It’s an unfortunate myth that couples workshops are only for couples in distress. Couples in distress can indeed benefit immensely from Hold Me Tight®️, but they aren’t the only ones. Hold Me Tight®️ is tailor made for couples who are steady and sturdy, but want to grow even closer—couples who want to go from “good to great.” They love each other dearly and know they are lifelong, but they want sharper skills and deeper connection. Or maybe they sense a drift in their relationship that isn’t a crisis yet, but they want to catch it early, before the pain gets bad. Hold Me Tight®️ is a perfect intervention. Why? Because Hold Me Tight®️ is not crisis oriented. And Hold Me Tight®️ isn’t therapy. It’s learning the groundbreaking insights of attachment science. It’s practicing skills that deepen connection, create safety and defuse conflict. It’s low key and fun. No one is put on the spot. No pressure. Each couple goes at their own pace. In a group experience, couples learn how much they have in common with others. And after just two days, they leave with a roadmap for lifelong connection and the skill to follow it. Our next Hold Me Tight®️ weekend workshop is extra special. We’re going to the beach! Join us in New Smyrna Beach, FL on Friday and Saturday, May 29 & 30. Our venue is right on the water. It’s a world class setting for a world class workshop. Hold Me Tight®️ can be the “adjustment” that will make your love stronger than ever. The relationship you want is closer than you think. Get all the details at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com. Space is limited, so sign up today. Learn more about Mark and Vicki . Join our contact list. Prepare for a transformational experience.
Today’s blog content is indebted to Dr. John Gottman, whose relationship research has revealed so much that couples already knew, but often missed. For example, every couple has conflict. The key is not avoiding conflict; it’s managing conflict. He taught us about a negative pattern that reliably predicts relationship distress. He calls it “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” a succession of negativity that, if unchecked, will almost certainly end a marriage. The first of the Four Horsemen is criticism. Every partner has complaints. That isn’t a problem. But, if we voice them with criticism, by blaming or fault finding, it becomes an attack, which invites in the second of the Four Horsemen: defensiveness. Defensiveness comes naturally if we feel attacked. But it doesn’t help. Defensiveness is blame shifting, minimizing or making excuses that tells your partner that you are really aren’t listening and they don’t matter. As the stakes get higher, the heat often builds and the conversation soon becomes a confrontation. Here, the third of the four horsemen shows us: contempt. This is when we go from blame to personal, hurtful attacks. This is where we get mean and often say things we would never dream of saying when we first fell in love. Contempt is demeaning, belittling. “I can’t believe I married you.” “You are such a loser.” As they say, “Words can hit like a fist.” Contempt does serious damage to a relationship. John Gottman calls contempt “sulfuric acid for love.” It will disintegrate the fabric of any relationship. And, eventually, the fourth of the horsemen arrives: stonewalling…such a descriptive term. Usually, as the battle rages, sooner or later, someone taps out. “That’s it; I’m done.” And they shut down emotionally. They leave, figuratively, if not literally. This is a dangerous state because distance sets in: silence, isolation and resentment. Does any of this sound familiar? Countless couples have been there. It’s confusing and confounding. If left unchecked, the Four Horsemen will almost certainly kill a relationship. How do we interrupt that pattern? How can we avoid the Four Horsemen? That is what we learn at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day retreat for any couple who has ever dealt with conflict (which is to say, Hold Me Tight®️ is for everyone!). Hold Me Tight®️ is based on solid attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the gold standard for relationship repair. Hold Me Tight®️ is low key and fun: no pressure. Couples go at their own pace learning to create safety with their partner and put the Four Horsemen out to pasture. Hold Me Tight®️ is for couples of any age or stage. It’s not therapy. It’s learning and connecting with your partner in ways you may never have thought possible. If you want more conversations and fewer confrontations, Hold Me Tight®️ is for you. The relationship you want is closer than you think. And our next workshop will be at the beach! Join us at the Marriott Spring Hill Suites Hotel in New Smyrna Beach May 29 & 30. It’s right on the water and a wonderful place to relax and grow together with the one you love most. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com . Learn more about Vicki and Mark . Reach out to us. Prepare for a transformational experience.
How was your Valentine’s Day this year? Hopefully it was great. Maybe it was so so. For many couples, Valentine’s Day is disappointing. Underperforming relationships are hard to hide on a holiday meant to celebrate love. Many partners are left feeling neglected, unappreciated, lonely or just plain forgotten. It’s no coincidence that separations and divorces spike in the weeks after Valentine’s Day—not to mention affairs. Indeed, the infidelity website Ashley Madison always has a surge of subscriptions right after Valentine’s Day every year (interestingly, about ten times more women sign up than men). But, even if your Valentine’s Day was wonderful, how long did the good feeling last? Usually, cards, candy, flowers, a nice dinner out or even a weekend away feel good for a few days or a week. Nothing really wrong with that. But, a healthy relationships needs more than an occasional “sugar high.” You need something that lasts. A better plan for long term love is to learn what really makes love tick. There really is a science behind love. It makes sense. Couples who understand love are confident and competent to be close and connected, even when they hit bumps—and all couples do. And that is what we do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples weekend workshop. Hold Me Tight®️ is a low key, fun and informative way to learn the lessons of love that most of us struggle to figure out on our own—and many never do. It is rooted in attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the gold standard for strengthening relationships. Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. But, it can change your relationship in ways that cards and candy never will. Every couple has conflict, hopefully not often and not intense. But, even then, that conflict seems to have a predictable pattern. No matter the topic, we seem to do the same dance. And that can be discouraging, or even destructive. Over time, it erodes even the strongest couples. How do we break that pattern? How do we create a new patterns—of connection instead of conflict? How do we have conversations instead of confrontations? That is exactly what we learn at Hold Me Tight®️. At Hold Me Tight®️, couples go at their own pace—no pressure. No one is put on the spot. We learn and then we practice new skills, going progressively deeper. Couples consistently leave feeling closer and better equipped. Some say it is the best two days they ever spent together. In our last workshop (over Valentine’s Day weekend, as a matter of fact), one couple told us they learned more in two days than they’d gotten out of two years of therapy. Hold Me Tight®️ is no relationship “sugar high.” It beats the heck out of cards and candy. It can truly make a long term difference in your relationship. And best of all, Hold Me Tight®️ is not just for Valentine’s Day. Why not make plans now to be at our next workshop in May? And here’s the great news: we’re going to the beach! Our next workshop will be Friday and Saturday, May 29 and 30 in New Smyrna Beach, FL. Our venue is right on the water and we’ll enjoy a wonderful weekend in a wonderful setting. You won’t want to miss it. All the details are at www.hmtworkshops.com. Questions? Reach out to us here. Learn more about Vicki and Mark . Prepare for a transformational experience.
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I’m an amateur photographer (which is to say, I spend money at it rather than make money at it). Photography is all about light. Often, the right light is the difference between just a snapshot and a memorable photo. Coming home from the beach a couple of weeks ago, Debbie and I were treated to a stunning sunset. It was breathtaking. I pulled off the road and stopped to photograph it. Whether a sunrise or sunset, no two are the same. They never disappoint, but something else is equally true: they never last. That stunning light just before the sun rises and just after it sets is there for just a few minutes. Five minutes after I took the photo above, that beautiful light was gone. The most beautiful moments in life don’t wait and they don’t last. We have to notice them. We have to stop and savor them. If we miss them, we can never get them back. And that is especially true with the ones we love. John Gottman discovered in his research that the healthiest couples are careful to see and say the best in their partner and their relationship. They speak love, appreciation and positivity to one another. They seldom leave important, loving words unsaid. Beautiful moments are easy to miss and all too fleeting. Healthy couples never take them for granted. Indeed, they don’t just notice beautiful moments, they make them. This year, on Valentine’s Day, you and your partner have a chance to share and savor two beautiful days together…a weekend not to be missed. Join me and my colleague, Vicki Kennedy at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat in Orlando. Hold Me Tight®️ can bring color and vibrance to your relationship that you never thought possible. Hold Me Tight®️ is truly for couples of any age or stage. You will learn about what draws couples together (and what pushes them apart). You’ll learn how to interrupt conflict and to connect with your partner more deeply than ever. You’ll learn to be that safe place for one another that we all want and need. Hold Me Tight®️ is low key and fun. Couples go at their own pace, no pressure. And, in just two days, many leave feeling more confident and competent than ever, seeing the beauty in their connection that they’ve been missing for too long. Someone said, “Life is not measured in the number of breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away.” And the good news is that we can make those moments…beautiful moments too precious to miss. Why not share them with your loved one in Orlando next week? Hold Me Tight®️ in Orlando will be Friday and Saturday, February 13 & 14. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com. It’s truly, a moment not to miss! Learn more about Vicki and Mark . Sign up for hints and helps. Prepare for a transformational experience!
If you’re a social media user, maybe you’ve noticed the recent trend. People are flashing back to 2016 and posting photos and stories about the decade since then. You’d probably agree, a lot has changed in ten years. How are you different today? Any regrets? If you got a do-over, what would you change? Since 2016, I’ve moved to a new state, lived in two different homes, started a new business and added a few more gray hairs. I’ve lost some friends and made some. I’ve celebrated the birth of two more grandchildren and lived through a pandemic. I’ve rejoiced in some changes and regretted others. We can see and learn a lot by looking back; as they say, hindsight is 20/20. But, perhaps the bigger question is: what and where will you be ten years from now? How does the future look? We can’t control everything to come but the life still ahead is at least somewhat in your hands. Your choices are yours. Your priorities, your values will indeed largely chart your course. You can’t change your past, but you can help shape your future. If you’re married or in a committed relationship, where will you and your partner be in ten years? Hopefully, you want your relationship to grow ever stronger…and it absolutely can. Love can be lifelong. But, how will you get there? Merely hoping for it isn’t enough. The old saying goes, “Fail to plan and you plan to fail.” Too many couples are on autopilot. With time, they grow distant and distracted and sadly, begin to believe that their love is dead. Few couples set out to ruin their relationship. Thus, they don’t usually end by intention. More often than not, it’s inattention. Any relationship is either progressing or regressing. Start now creating the relationship you want. Let me suggest progress in three words: Hold Me Tight®️. A two day Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshop can give your relationship a truly bright future. It’s for couples of any age or stage, whether “newlywed or nearly dead.” You may fear that you won’t be a couple in ten years. Hold Me Tight®️ can help. Or you may be good but want to be even better. Hold Me Tight®️ is for you as well. All you need is the “want to.” If you want to understand attachment, the science of love, if you want learn to interrupt those too familiar cycles of conflict that all couples experience but often don't know how to manage, and if you want to create deep connection and safety with the one you love…Hold Me Tight®️ is for you. Hold Me Tight®️ has helped couples the world over. It’s low key and fun; you go at your own pace. In two days, you can find a road map for your next ten years and beyond. Our next Hold Me Tight®️ workshop will be on Valentine’s Day weekend, February 13 and 14 near Orlando, FL. Join me and my colleague, Vicki Kennedy for a transformational weekend. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com. You will either settle for the relationship you’ve got or go for the one you want. Step into your future right now! Learn more about Mark and Vicki Sign up for hints and helps Prepare for a transformational experience
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Fans of the iconic TV show Saturday Night Live may remember an episode in 2004 that was iconic for all the wrong reasons. Recording star Ashlee Simpson performed two songs that night. The first went well. The second, not so much. Simpson was sick and losing her voice, but didn’t want to cancel so producers decided at the last minute that she should lip synch while her band played live. (Performers do it more often than you think.) She knew it was risky. She didn’t want to pretend. Against her better judgment, she went on without her voice and, sure enough, the worst happened. When her drummer accidentally played the wrong track, there, on live TV, in front of God and everybody, the audience heard the wrong lyrics and Ashlee Simpson was exposed. She tried to improvise, but with the cat out of the bag, she ran tearfully off stage. In hindsight, she acknowledged, “I should have said, ‘I will not go on.’” In other words, she should have just been forthright. Live and learn. Ashlee Simpson took it hard in the press. Something in us all hates fakery. We don’t like to be tricked. People felt lied to and they took her to task. I say Ashlee Simpson got a raw deal. After all, who are we kidding? Most of us “lip synch” through life in some form or fashion. Honesty may be the best policy, but honesty is risky, sometimes costly. Who of us wants to look frail or faulty, less than perfect? Who of us wants to “look less” to others? We hate showing our weaknesses. And when we pretend or hide, it seldom goes well. At the least, even if we do fool others, we know we’re pretending. At worst, everyone sees that the emperor indeed has no clothes and we are exposed. Terrifying. All the fear notwithstanding, something is liberating about honesty and transparency…and not just liberating, but empowering. It frees us to be our real self. And that is most true with those we love. Intimate relationships thrive on openness and transparency. The world at large may not know the “real” us, but with our loved one, we long to be truly seen and truly known. Yet, it’s there, where the stakes are highest, that we often struggle to show up all the way. As a couples therapist, I see this everyday. My work, in a nutshell, is about helping couples go deeper, to fears, uncertainties, wishes and needs, the stuff we seldom show (and might not even know) and give those a voice. Without the trust and intimacy that openness brings, couples are on autopilot, hiding, pretending, just “lip synching.” In a nutshell, aiming for openness is what we learn and do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. We learn why openness matters so much. We learn a little bit about attachment science and a lot about safe connection. We learn to break down conflict cycles and build up vulnerability and empathy. These are the foundation for a strong, lasting love. Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a safe, low key two day group learning experience where couples go at their own pace. No one is pressured or put on the spot. We point you (not push you) to stop lip syncing, to find your own voice and to hear your partner’s as well. Hold Me Tight®️ is for couples of any age or stage. Whether you’re newlywed or nearly dead (or anywhere in between), this is your chance to get closer. Get in on Hold Me Tight®️. Join me and my colleague, Vicki Kennedy in February, 2026 for two days that can change your life. Looking for the perfect Christmas gift? Hold Me Tight®️ is a gift that keeps on giving. Join us February 13 and 14 at Hold Me Tight®️ in Orlando. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com . Learn more about Mark and Vicki . Sign up for hints and helps. Prepare for a transformational experience.