Fans of the iconic TV show Saturday Night Live may remember an episode in 2004 that was iconic for all the wrong reasons. Recording star Ashlee Simpson performed two songs that night. The first went well. The second, not so much. Simpson was sick and losing her voice, but didn’t want to cancel so producers decided at the last minute that she should lip synch while her band played live. (Performers do it more often than you think.) She knew it was risky. She didn’t want to pretend. Against her better judgment, she went on without her voice and, sure enough, the worst happened. When her drummer accidentally played the wrong track, there, on live TV, in front of God and everybody, the audience heard the wrong lyrics and Ashlee Simpson was exposed. She tried to improvise, but with the cat out of the bag, she ran tearfully off stage. In hindsight, she acknowledged, “I should have said, ‘I will not go on.’” In other words, she should have just been forthright. Live and learn. Ashlee Simpson took it hard in the press. Something in us all hates fakery. We don’t like to be tricked. People felt lied to and they took her to task. I say Ashlee Simpson got a raw deal. After all, who are we kidding? Most of us “lip synch” through life in some form or fashion. Honesty may be the best policy, but honesty is risky, sometimes costly. Who of us wants to look frail or faulty, less than perfect? Who of us wants to “look less” to others? We hate showing our weaknesses. And when we pretend or hide, it seldom goes well. At the least, even if we do fool others, we know we’re pretending. At worst, everyone sees that the emperor indeed has no clothes and we are exposed. Terrifying. All the fear notwithstanding, something is liberating about honesty and transparency…and not just liberating, but empowering. It frees us to be our real self. And that is most true with those we love. Intimate relationships thrive on openness and transparency. The world at large may not know the “real” us, but with our loved one, we long to be truly seen and truly known. Yet, it’s there, where the stakes are highest, that we often struggle to show up all the way. As a couples therapist, I see this everyday. My work, in a nutshell, is about helping couples go deeper, to fears, uncertainties, wishes and needs, the stuff we seldom show (and might not even know) and give those a voice. Without the trust and intimacy that openness brings, couples are on autopilot, hiding, pretending, just “lip synching.” In a nutshell, aiming for openness is what we learn and do in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. We learn why openness matters so much. We learn a little bit about attachment science and a lot about safe connection. We learn to break down conflict cycles and build up vulnerability and empathy. These are the foundation for a strong, lasting love. Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a safe, low key two day group learning experience where couples go at their own pace. No one is pressured or put on the spot. We point you (not push you) to stop lip syncing, to find your own voice and to hear your partner’s as well. Hold Me Tight®️ is for couples of any age or stage. Whether you’re newlywed or nearly dead (or anywhere in between), this is your chance to get closer. Get in on Hold Me Tight®️. Join me and my colleague, Vicki Kennedy in February, 2026 for two days that can change your life. Looking for the perfect Christmas gift? Hold Me Tight®️ is a gift that keeps on giving. Join us February 13 and 14 at Hold Me Tight®️ in Orlando. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com . Learn more about Mark and Vicki . Sign up for hints and helps. Prepare for a transformational experience.

As my family prepared our Thanksgiving dinner last week, then began decorating for the Christmas season (as we do every year) I thought about the rituals that surround us in life. They are everywhere. Rituals are regular practices that connect us and identify us. They tell us who we are, be it in our family, our faith, our community or our country. Be it a wedding, a funeral, a church service, a holiday parade or a political pep rally, rituals give us common ground. Whether they happen weekly, monthly, annually or on specific special occasions (such as weddings or funerals) rituals give our lives a measure of predictability and structure that we all need. Rituals are not necessary for life, but they are so much a part of us that, if they don't happen as we're accustomed to, something feels off. Think of the first holiday after a loved one passed and they were conspicuously missing. We often say, “It’s just not the same without them here.” Rituals are the routines that give life meaning. Couples have rituals too: weddings, for example, declare a couple’s exclusive bond. An anniversary acknowledges that connection each year and, if you miss it, or forget it (or ignore it), something will probably be off. That can even be a sign of trouble. Couples have other, less formal but equally meaningful rituals as well. Sharing a cup of coffee and talking quietly together before starting your day can be a ritual that grounds you, connects you and leaves you “not quite right” on the days that you don’t do it. A quick prayer together with my wife before she heads into the hospital to start her day as a nurse is a simple but special ritual that feels just ours. What rituals do you and your partner share? John Gottman calls them “rituals of connection.” You probably have more than you think. Another very traditional annual couples ritual is coming up soon. It’s Valentine’s Day. Although Valentine’s Day has become very commercial (it’s the second largest card giving holiday behind Christmas) most couples acknowledge their love in at least some way every February 14. And if they don’t, that probably sends a message too. Even if that Valentine’s Day means little to you, your relationship is priceless. Why not create a new ritual of connection this February 14? Candy gets stale. Cards only say so much. Flowers last maybe a week and die. How about something that will last long after the holiday? How about a Hold Me Tight®️ couples weekend retreat? How about two days with your partner and other couples in a safe, low key setting that can totally retool your relationship? Hold Me Tight®️ has a stellar track record teaching couples the secrets that great couples know. Hold Me Tight®️ is based on groundbreaking attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, a proven method that has helped countless couples the world over. But, Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It’s a safe learning experience where couples go at their own pace and make the progress they are ready and willing to make. In just two days, you can learn to interrupt endless conflict cycles and create a safer connection that can last a lifetime. If you and your partner are struggling, Hold Me Tight®️ can help. And if you are doing well, Hold Me Tight®️ can take you from good to great. My colleague, Vicki Kennedy and I have been leading Hold Me Tight®️ workshops since 2018. We do at least four a year and our next one will actually be ON Valentine’s Day weekend, 2026, in Orlando. It’s only three months away and the time to get in on it is NOW. See all the details and sign up today at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com. Learn more about Mark and Vicki Sign up for hints and helps Prepare for a transformational experience.

I met a young man recently who impressed me deeply. He was in my home doing some repair work. He was capable, courteous and likable, probably would be successful at about anything he undertook. As he worked and we talked, he mentioned having been in Afghanistan. “You’re a veteran?” I asked. “Yes, two tours,” he replied. He seemed to have come home intact, free from those visible and invisible scars of war that so many combat veterans carry. I asked him, “Do you miss it?” I expected him to say how glad he was to be away from the killing and chaos of combat; but he surprised me. “Yes, I miss it,” he said emphatically. “I miss it everyday.” “Why,” I asked, “would you miss the bombs and the bullets and the ever present shadow of death?” His answer was profound but simple. He said, “Because there, I mattered . I mattered to my unit. I mattered to my superiors. I belonged. I was there for them and they were there for me.” And here at home, all that was missing. He’d left it on the battlefield. That young fellow’s powerful insight underlined something deep and universal. We all need to matter to the people who matter to us. Without it, we feel lost and lonely. Back at home, something was missing for that former soldier; I could see it in his eyes; surely many other vets can relate. But that need to matter isn’t just in military service. Indeed, all of us are born with a need for connection: the need to be seen, heard, valued, to belong, to matter. Connection is part of being human. We are born seeking it and needing it and we never outgrow it. As a couples therapist, I know that when intimate relationships struggle and self-destruct, the core issue is strikingly similar to the young vet I met. It’s a sense of disconnection. Often, couples in distress fear that they don’t matter to the one who matters most to them. They feel alone, sometimes rejected, certainly unloved. Often, they come for therapy hoping I’ll help them “communicate” better or teach them to “fight fair.” But the real missing piece is their disconnection and the pain that comes with it. This is what we learn—and learn to change—in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ is a two day group experience of learning and doing for couples at any age or stage. We learn about the groundbreaking science of attachment (no “psychobabble” here). Love really does make sense. We’ll learn not only what all couples need and seek; we’ll learn how to break cycles of conflict to help you and your partner know that you matter—deeply. Hold Me Tight®️ is low key. No pressure. No one is put on the spot. Couples go at their own pace. After just two days, you will leave with a roadmap for connection that can last a lifetime. My colleague, Vicki Kennedy and I have been leading Hold Me Tight®️ workshops since 2018. Our next in person event will be on Valentine’s Day weekend, February 13 & 14, 2026 near Orlando, FL. All the details are at www.hmtcouplesworkshops.com . Spend two days with your partner and other couples in sunny Florida and make Valentine’s Day really count in the new year. Don’t wait. Sign up today. Space is limited. Learn more about Mark and Vicki . Sign up for hints and helps. Prepare for a transformational experience.

On June 5, 2002, 14 year old Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. Her captors, a mentally ill religious zealot and his wife, did not flee to another continent or a foreign country. Instead, they stayed right in Salt Lake City. They actually went out in public. They made Elizabeth wear a headscarf and a veil, but they visited stores, restaurants, the public library and so forth. Ultimately, after 8 months and a relentless nationwide search, authorities found her only 18 miles from where she was abducted. Elizabeth Smart’s abductors hid her in plain sight. Stories like that are more common than we think. It happens a lot that what we most want to find turns out to be right in front of us—hiding…or hidden…in plain sight right under our noses.

I’ve been counseling couples and leading couples workshops for quite a few years now. Without a doubt, from my experience, Hold Me Tight®️ couples workshops are more powerful and bring faster real, lasting change than any other experience couples can share. Vicki and I lead them at least four times a year because we believe in Hold Me Tight®️ and we know what it can do. We’ve seen couples transform in just two short days. Something is especially powerful about being in a group with other couples on the same journey, sometimes feeling equally stuck or overwhelmed, struggling with the same frustrating patterns, emotions, wishes and mistakes. Couples can empathize, encourage and understand one another at Hold Me Tight®️. Realizing that we’re not alone (and not as messed up as we think) is uniquely comforting.

Like over 90% of Americans, I own a smartphone. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. My phone frequently notifies me of a software update. It’s pretty easy to update my phone, and even more important. But, why update the software? I asked Google and here’s what it told me: “Smartphone software updates are crucial for enhancing security by patching vulnerabilities, improving stability by fixing bugs and glitches, and optimizing performance for a smoother experience.” Sounds good to me. All I know is: updates matter. They keep my phone working well. They are as beneficial as they are necessary. But, it occurs to me that not just smartphones need updates. Smart relationships do too.

What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?

Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.

In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.