In Life (and Love), Perspective is Everything
Solution Focused Therapy has taught me two rules for living that, as best I can tell, always hold true. I’ve never found an exception. They are simple, but powerful. First: you see what you look for in life. Be it people you know or problems you face, how you perceive that person, that relationship, that challenge, that crisis, makes all the difference. If you look for positive in a person or situation (strength, value, beauty, worth) you will see it. You will find it. On the other hand, if you look for negative (malice, treachery, danger, disappointment) you will find that. And the second rule for living is tied inextricably to the first. Not only do you see that you look for; what you focus on, you magnify. That is, whatever you choose to see in a person or situation tends to be all that you see. And that perception will minimize and even blind you to anything opposite. If you believe a person is good and loving, you’ll be hard pressed to find negative in them. (And even if you do, it will have little weight. You’ll see it as an exception, not the rule.) Likewise, if you see that person negatively, that will likely be all you see and you’ll be hard pressed to change your mind.
This is a natural human tendency. You see what you look for and what you focus on, you magnify. And, like most traits, these two rules can benefit you, but they can also work against you. This is especially true in love relationships.
Cycles are Hard to Break
Many couples fall into destructive negative cycles that are hard to break—hard but not impossible. If you focus on your partner’s distance or indifference or perhaps chronic criticism or aggression, that emotional “tunnel vision” might make you lose sight of anything to the contrary. And the more of those negatives you see, the bigger they will appear to you. This is a dangerous negative spiral that makes many couples fall out of love and sometimes, throw in the towel.
But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
You Can Change Your Focus
Indeed, changing this pattern is one of the things couples learn to do at a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Cycles of conflict are painful and confusing. They can feel impossible to change. But, Hold Me Tight®️ helps couples see their conflict and their whole relationship in a new light, through a new lens. Couples learn to look through an “attachment lens.” They learn the powerful lessons of attachment science. That attachment lens can help you see your partner in ways you never had before.
See Through an Attachment Lens
Imagine how things might change if you saw your angry or indifferent partner instead as desperately seeking a safe connection with you. Imagine how different things could be if you both learned not only what you truly need in your relationship, but how to get (and give) it safely and securely. These are just some of the lessons Hold Me Tight®️ can teach you and your partner.
Don’t just understand your conflict cycles—change them. Interrupt them and change how you see one another. Hold Me Tight®️ is the place to do it. Couples consistently leave Hold Me Tight®️ workshops saying they know where they want to go and how to get there. They leave with deeper connection and the confidence to maintain it. You and your partner can be one of those couples.
Our next Hold Me Tight®️ retreat is next month. Seating is limited so sign up today. All the details are on this website.
- Learn more about Mark and Vicki
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- Prepare for a transformational experience
Have a Safety Plan
Like over 90% of Americans, I own a smartphone. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. My phone frequently notifies me of a software update. It’s pretty easy to update my phone, and even more important. But, why update the software? I asked Google and here’s what it told me: “Smartphone software updates are crucial for enhancing security by patching vulnerabilities, improving stability by fixing bugs and glitches, and optimizing performance for a smoother experience.” Sounds good to me. All I know is: updates matter. They keep my phone working well. They are as beneficial as they are necessary. But, it occurs to me that not just smartphones need updates. Smart relationships do too.
What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?
Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.