Perception is Reality

The old adage "perception is reality" probably rings true. How you see a situation makes all the difference. That certainly applies to relationships and partners. Psychologists call it "confirmation bias." It just means that you see what you are looking for in your partner, be it positive or negative and anything to the contrary carries very little weight. Couples in conflict then, tend to see one another negatively, as insensitive, untrustworthy, emotionally absent, critical and so forth. We compile a catalog of evidence and can "litigate" our case to our partner at the drop of a hat. A true relationship danger sign (and what often happens in couples therapy) finds partners who love one another converting my office to a courtroom and prosecuting one another with blame, "what-aboutism" and contempt, trying to prove who is more wrong or less right. They are stuck in what John Gottman calls "Negative Sentiment Override." They only see the bad in one another. It's a one way road to relationship hell, as they say. 

All of us in committed relationship have been there. And when you are, all you want to do is to change the conversation. But, you don't know how. These negative cycles, this "highway to hell" has no off ramp. But, here's the good news: you can exit. It's possible to change the conversation. 

Changing the Conversation

And couples learn to do just that in a Hold Me Tight®️ couples retreat. Hold Me Tight®️ teaches the amazing lessons of attachment science and the tenets of Emotionally Focused Therapy, the widely acclaimed gold standard for relationship renewal. Hold Me Tight®️ helps couples learn to see one another differently. They learn that they, in fact, want the same things in love; they're just pursuing them in very different ways. They learn that they are actually not enemies or opponents. They learn to build (or rebuild) safety and connection that they never knew they could.


And, at Hold Me Tight®️, couples don't just hear about this: they do it. They actually learn to have conversations they never knew how to have...conversations they never knew they needed to have. We're talking here about conversations, NOT confrontations. So, couples change not only how they see one another, but how they connect with one another.

Change Your Viewing--Change Your Doing

The well known Solution Focused practitioner, Bill O'Hanlon, in his book "Do One Thing Different," said that changing any situation (or relationship) is a two step process. It involves changing how we see the situation (or person) and changing how we act in that situation. In short, we need to "change our viewing and change our doing."


That is exactly what Hold Me Tight®️ is about. You and your partner will learn to see each other as allies, not opponents, as safety cues, not danger cues. Then, you will do a new thing--together: you will learn to turn toward, not against one another, even (especially) in conflict. You will learn the power of vulnerability and empathy in actual conversations that will change the climate in your relationship. You will be amazed at the changes that can occur in the span of just two days. 

Low Risk/High Reward

Hold Me Tight®️ is not therapy. It's a low key, group experience where you'll meet other couples and see how much all of us have in common. You'll go at your own pace. No one is singled out or put on the spot. And you'll leave more capable and confident as a couple, with a new "viewing" and a new "doing" that can make a lifetime of difference. It is indeed low relationship risk and high relationship reward.


Hold Me Tight®️ is a chance to change the most important relationship in your world. You can leave the old behind and create a new normal. Our next workshop is next month. Sign up today. Come join us in Orlando!


Have a Safety Plan

Connection is the Key

By Mark Beck • August 25, 2025
What makes couples fall in love? Is it looks, sexual chemistry, personality? Is it the car you drive? (Kidding). Attachment science says it’s connection…a safe emotional connection. Connection is the key. By that, we mean that when we feel seen, heard, valued, as if we matter, we feel safe. We feel understood and trusted and cared for; that’s called safe attachment. And we fall in love. On the other hand, when and why do couples fail? What's missing? It’s the same word—connection. Specifically, it’s the lack of it. A thousand things can pull couples apart over time. Stress from jobs, money, children, family demands, depression, addictions, the challenges and changes life throws at us can all put the pressure on. But, problems alone need not destroy a relationship. It’s when we don’t “turn toward” one another to manage those problems. When we distance and disconnect; that’s when we end up alone, even in the same household, living parallel lives. How do we reconnect?

Prevention is Best

By Mark Beck • August 18, 2025
Benjamin Franklin famously said, “An ounce of prevention beats a pound of cure.” I think he was right. Preventing heart disease, for example (with exercise and a healthy diet) beats cardiac bypass surgery by a mile. An oil change on your car is way better than an engine rebuild. Prevention is easier, faster and cheaper almost every time. It’s true in relationships too. Love is meant to last a lifetime. But a relationship left unattended will eventually wear out—and many do. Repairing it in couples therapy is often expensive, difficult and time consuming. Instead, a little attention along the way can help you avoid those costly repairs.

The "Other Side" of the Coin

By Mark Beck • July 17, 2025
In my last blog post, we said that the most vital skill for any strong relationship is empathy. (If you haven’t seen that blog, check out “The One Skill Your Relationship Can’t Do Without”.) Empathy is vital in love. But, empathy is not the only important skill. That hit record has a flip side. What is it? It’s vulnerability. Close connection in love demands vulnerability, almost by definition. Vulnerability: the willingness to open up, to show and share the deep stuff: wishes, needs, fears, uncertainties, insecurities, the things about us that we often prefer to hide. In any healthy relationship, vulnerability and empathy go hand in hand. Each makes the other possible. Without them, couples live at arm’s length, “hiding in plain sight,” like intimate strangers. They might be together…might even be married, but they aren’t close. Maybe you know this all too well. Maybe you live it everyday.

The One Skill Your Relationship Can't Do Without

By Mark Beck • July 14, 2025
Lots of things make for a healthy relationship: affirmation, trust, sacrifice, forgiveness, commitment. But, maybe the most important skill, the one no healthy relationship can do without…is empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize and convey not only your emotions, but your partner’s emotions as well. Humans are bonding mammals and emotions are how we bond. Emotional connection is the lifeblood of any relationship. Your partner needs to know that you “get them,” that you understand their world, that you support and believe in them, that you are there for them. Empathy gets all that across.

Maintenance is Key

By Mark Beck • July 7, 2025
My wife and I bought a car recently. Not a new car, just new to us. We spent a small fortune on it and I’m determined to take good care of it. I vacuum it religiously. I check the fluids, tire pressure, mileage. I keep it clean, inside and out. I wash it at least once a week and am careful not to track a lot of dirt inside it. I’ve watched You Tube videos on simple maintenance such as oil changes, tire rotation and so forth. I’m no master mechanic, but I like to do the little things any shade tree mechanic might. We keep it out of direct sun when we can and drive as carefully as possible.

Trust is Key

By Mark Beck • June 25, 2025
I had a strange experience recently. I was out of town (in Texas, actually) and absentmindedly left my phone in a WalMart restroom (big mistake, but I know I’m not the first). I realized what I’d done less than 20 minutes later and headed back for my phone. Too late…it was gone. Now, if you found a lost cell phone, what would you do? You’d probably try to contact the owner or at least leave it with someone responsible. You’d make a good faith effort. Most people would. But, not all. With my wife’s phone, I called my number and, sure enough, someone answered. He indeed had picked up my phone. I was relieved…for a second. Then, the guy told me he’d happily return the phone to me…for $200, via Cash App. I don’t know who was dumber: me for leaving my phone behind or him for thinking I’d give him a dime to get it back. We both knew one thing: whether I paid him or not, I’d never see that phone again. It was a sad lesson in broken trust as my faith in humanity slipped a few notches. Chalk one up for the school of hard knocks.

Change Your Viewing

By Mark Beck • May 29, 2025
What is the first step to changing our station in life, changing a situation or a relationship? I suggest it starts with changing how we view things, how we look at the problem or the person. Do we see burden or a blessing…obligation or opportunity? Often, when we’re stuck, say, in a difficult relationship, we see our partner as an opponent. He or she is the problem. We may even go find a therapist whom we hope will “fix” our partner. We focus on the other’s weakness, faults and failures, how they let us down and miss the mark. If that is your focus, then the more you look, the more you will see. Most couples who come to me for therapy are so focused on their partner’s problems that they can’t see anything else. They are often stuck in blame and negativity. And what we see informs what we believe. If we see only the bad in our partner, it’s easy to believe that he or she doesn’t love us or that the relationship is hopeless. That’s when couples don’t call me; they call lawyers.

We All Need Predictability

By Mark Beck • April 25, 2025
If you are invested in the stock market, it’s been a roller coaster lately. Indeed, perhaps the best short run strategy is to close your eyes and hold on and ride it out—just like on a roller coaster! However you view the market moves we’re seeing—tariffs and the like—one thing is pretty clear: markets don’t like unpredictability. Uncertainty makes markets very nervous. Hence, lots of ups and downs make for tension and trouble. It’s human nature; unpredictability is stressful in any context.

Safety First

By Mark Beck • April 1, 2025
A local factory required all of its employees to attend a safety class. One fellow didn’t really pay attention and when the final exam at the end of the class asked, “In case of a fire, what steps would you take?” the fellow answered, “Large ones!” “Safety First” is a wise strategy, everywhere from the workplace to the highway to healthcare to childcare. Injuries and accidents cost multiplied billions every year and it’s always better to prevent an accident than to treat one. Whatever the setting, people do better when they feel safe.

Curious or Critical

By Mark Beck • March 14, 2025
Somebody said, “Marriage is a never ending conversation.” I think that’s true. It certainly is a never ending education. That’s part of what makes it fun. Everyday I learn something about my wife, Debbie, about how she sees the world and sees me. And I’m often surprised at our different perspectives. We were on the verge of an argument the other day, simply because we both saw the situation very differently. Neither of us were wrong. But, once I realized how Debbie saw things, I understood her actions and reactions much better. And I realized again that a real key to connection lies in understanding, more than being understood. The late Sue Johnson used to say, “People calm down when they feel understood.” I’ve certainly found that to be true.
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